I have been slacking hardcore on this site! I started going to behavioral therapy 3 weeks ago… and today I brought up the fact that I had started this blog…. my therapist thought it was a wonderful idea and encouraged me to get back into it… even use it as a distraction from pulling. So when I get the urge to pull… write about it instead!

I usually don’t do well with therapists of any sort… I’ve been to a variety… but Dr. Kim Caroll who I am currently seeing is AWESOME! I feel like she actually GETS me… doesn’t just judge me and treat me like I know nothing about the disorder….uggh i cant STAND that!!! But anyway she suggested to keep up with my trich blogging… so I’m back!

Will be posting updates soon!

Well its been 3 weeks since the big cut so I thought I’d post a progress picture. Its  just now long enough to have a tiny bit of curl. A little thin in front from a bad episode I had when I still had the hairpiece… plus my slip up last week…. but one episode in 3 weeks isn’t so bad. I’ve pulled a stray one here and there but I’m staying strong for the most part and pretty proud of how its coming along.

Yesterday was a good day.

First of all let me apologize to my mother for getting another tattoo… I know she detests them… however hopefully for some reason she will overlook her personal taste and respect my decision to get this one. It is on my wrist and says ‘overcome‘.

This image is literally exactly what I will see every time my hand goes up to pull. Staring me straight in the face…. overcome. Put your damn hand down and overcome this. I argue with myself in my head during my pulling spells but sometimes thats not enough to get me to really remember… hey… you CAN get through this… you’ve come so far already don’t give in…. overcome… overcome! [and mom to ease your concerns... it is easily hidden with a bracelet or bandaid]

so yah the day started with me and B going to the tattoo shop. after that and dinner we went back to his house to kill some time before going to a party later that night. he just moved into a new house… with a pool…. and diving board….. i used to be a diver…. diving boards are so tempting…. we had previously discussed my swimming over there and since his roommates are in europe for a few weeks i knew i’d be ’safe’…. and not have to embarass myself in front of anyone new that im not comfortable with. so we get back and go sit out by the pool…. and i want to go in so fucking bad. unfortunately the trade off for getting to dive into a sparkling blue pool of water on a 100+ degree day is that i have to take my wig off in front of him. it doesn’t sound like a big deal…. especially because he’s not my boyfriend or someone i am directly trying to impress with my looks……. but its so scary. SOOOO scary.

i sat with my feet dangling in for a good half hour…. then paced around and jumped on the board for another long while….. finally even changed into my suit. then i jumped on the board some more…. with my wig on. finally i went inside, took the wig off…. and hid under a towel like a hoodlum for another solid half hour. while sitting on the edge conveninetly across the pool from B he yelled over ’so stacy… what are you overcoming?’ ‘nothing apparently…..’ was my response.

i knew then he was right…. i wasn’t overcoming anything wrapped up in a little towel ball…. so i got up on the board and stood there. and stood there. the sun had set by this point. finally B was just like ‘damnit stacy you have short hair so what get over it and take the towel off already!!!!’ i stomped my feet and threw the towel down…. dove in…. and that was that. i felt ugly…. but the feeling of the water rushing over my head was way worth it. i haven’t been able to go under water in SOOOOOOOOOO long…. too fearful my hairpiece would be too obvious.

unfortunately i lost all my old diving talent…. so not only was i ugly i also was flopping around like a damn moron…. but i was a happy moron!!!

I pulled for the first time tonight since I shaved my head. 2 weeks. damnit. luckily i didnt do too much damage… there was this random splotch on the corner of my forehead… its been on my nerves for a long time….. and….. now its not. i felt soo good doing it but SOOO stupid aftewards. argggg.

Yesterday morning I went to NHC for my appointment with Diana. She thought I was goign to have my piece reattached like normal, but instead I told her my plan and that I didn’t want it put back on. Genuinely excited for me, she cut the remainder of my hair to give me a clean slate. It may be less than an inch in length, but its a full head of my own hair nonetheless.

In the evening I gathered 3 trusted friends,’L’ ‘S’ and my roommate ‘A’, along with B [for comic relief and support]. I wrote a letter detailing my condition and asking for their support… because I knew I wouldn’t be able to say it without getting upset. I passed it out and sat in silence for what seemed like hours while my eyes filled with tears and I tried to keep a calm face. Finally L said “Well, I’m here for you Stacy.” Everyone else just kind of nodded quietly. My roommate went back inside to finish making dinner, and the rest of us chatted about other things and later headed to Baskin Robins for 31 cent scoop night. The hugs were extra long at the end of the night… but other than that things were normal. They didnt point and laugh at me and the world didn’t end….  so overall it was a success and a weight lifted off my shoulders.

Today I went to the Arizona Wig Company and bought a wig so I could be prepared for cutting it all off on Wednesday. It’s  long and straight and auburnish in color and makes me feel pretty.

Up until yesterday… my parents, doctors and the people at NHC were the only ones who knew about my trich. But last night I confided in a good friend of mine. We’ll call him ‘B’ [im just going to abbreviate the names of my friends for their privacy]. The only reason I even had the nerve to tell him is because I had taken an ambien [im really bad at sleeping] but hadn’t gotten off the computer yet. I tend to be a bit more talkative than normal on those stupid sleeping pills. If you’ve ever been drunk and said things you didnt quite mean to say you know what I mean. Not that I didnt want to tell him, I had been contemplating it for awhile… but it just kind of came out. His response was….

B: sorry to hear that.
B: no worries.
me: no worries when…… i just let it all go? when i try to start over with it… which means taking my hair piece off and shaving the rest of my head? i need a friend that wont laugh at me. see? worries.
B: ?
B: dont worry. i’ll be your friend.
…..
B: so…your boobs are stayin?

Ha… boys….. So yah. Someone else knows. The first step to recover is admitting you have a problem, right? Hmmm maybe thats for alcohol. Either way, a step in the right direction.